You guys may haveseen our AskWomen video series, where we got some real women to have some drinks andanswer your questions about whether a guy can ever getout of the friend zone, whether size matters and whether body hair is a deal breaker. Well,here’s a single girl’s opinion on more of your questions. Readers have been keptanonymous.Q: We hear alot about confidence as a key factor of attraction, but many men don’t quite understandwhat, exactly, is meant by “confidence.” So I would ask the lovely ladies: To you, what isan example of confidence in a man, and what is an example/sign of a lack of confidence?A: Nine times out of 10, when you ask a woman what attracts her to aman, she’ll reply with one simple word (as if it were just so straightforward andobvious): “confidence.” If I were a man, specifically one who is soliciting advice, as Ipresume many of you are, I think I would find that reply to be incredibly frustrating,quite limiting and all around just pretty unhelpful. So, with that in mind, I’mgoing to try and explain this mythological “confidence” — how to get it, whatit looks like and also how women can spot a man who is faking it or overcompensating forhis lack thereof. Confidenceis an attitude, a demeanor of coolness, a “swagger,” if you will. Confidenceis not something that you can wear like a T-shirt or a gold watch, but it issomething that can be enhanced by putting on a fresh, crisp new item of clothing or byputting a little extra effort into your physical appearance. It’s a certain pep inyour step. A way of walking. A contagious charisma. It’s seductive. It makes allpeople, not just women, gravitate toward a man and want to be around him, in the hopes ofcatching just a little bit of his energy. And also to see what else he’s got goingon underneath that, and most important, whether or not he can back it up. Contrary to whatmany men have been wrongly brainwashed by the media to believe, you do not have to be richto have confidence.Which brings me to the next boneI need to pick. There is a big difference between being cocky and being confident. Often,men who are missing real confidence, the kind that comes from within and is legitimatelyfounded in security and self-assuredness, will feign confidence. This dance of pretendingto be confident is popularly exemplified by a pompous or self-important attitude, a needto condescend to or patronize women and other people in order to assert a sense ofimportance or superiority over others, a tendency toward bragging and boasting(specifically about money), and a need to show off cars, conquests and wealth in amisguided attempt to impress others.Any self-respecting,street-savvy woman (the kind you deserve and should want to be with) will be able to sniffout this obnoxious illusion. You do not need to be rude, insensitive, materialistic oroffensive to appear confident. Because you know what good women, those who are worth agood man’s time, like even more than a guy with a wallet exploding with money and amisogynistic attitude? An honest, hardworking, ambitious, career-oriented, smart person(bonus if he smells good) who has concrete, pinpoint-able things in his life that he canget really, genuinely positive and excited about. That’s sexy. That’s reallysexy. And that’s confidence.It’sdifficult to thoroughly quantify signsof confidence vs. signs of non-confidence or insecurity. But I am giving it the oldcollege try. A man who is confident has conviction. He’s calm, cool, collected,composed, cordial and kind. He stands up for himself, for others and for what he believesis right. He doesn’t talk down to people to make himself feel better, he calls awoman when he’s interested in her and, more importantly, calls a woman when he sayshe will. A man who is not confident, butpretends to be, is wishy-washy, sends mixed messages to confuse women into feelinginsecure and to make himself feel more powerful, says he’ll do things and thendoesn’t, talks about how successful and confident he is, validates his existence byconquering or misleading women, and, for absolutely no reason, derives a lot of pleasurefrom insulting others and making them feel small.Even if you’re the kind of guy who isn’t macho, doesn’t playsports, isn’t in a band and doesn’t have a big bank account, you can, andshould, still be confident. All you need is to like yourself, make decisions that help yousleep at night, have hobbies you enjoy and possess any of the bevy of other thingsI’ve already mentioned that women really like.So, in summation, confidence is an attitude that is based on being cool andcomfortable with who you are and what you like. Confidence is walking through the worldlike you’re in a music video, like there’s an awesome soundtrack playingexclusively for your life. We all have our bad days, when we don’t likeour hair and don’t like our jobs, but the key to real confidence is how we deal withthe crappy stuff, and for a confident dude, that means acting like agentleman.I really hope this is helpful. Ifthere’s any small token of advice for you to find and absorb in this wordy rant,it’s that, even if you’re not feeling fly like Bruno Mars, try and act likeyou are, but don’t try too hard, because that’s obvious and a turnoff. If youjust want the confidence CliffsNotes, here they are: learn how to unhook a bra, open thecar door for her, don’t apologize for not having a nicer car, don’t apologizefor not being able to take her to a nicer restaurant, but do take her to the nicestrestaurant that you can reasonably afford, and definitely don’t apologize for whoyou are (but be sure to apologize sincerely when you f*ck up).And here’s what’s most important: do your best tobecome someone who is worthy of your own confidence. If you are reading this, it means youcare about bettering yourself, and that’s a goodstart.
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[Source: Dating & Sex on AskMen]
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