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Q. I’ve been in a relationship with this one girl for a while. In the beginning, things were fun and sexual. But as time has progressed, things have taken a turn for the worse. It all started right around the time I met her. Boy, I should have watched for those warning signals more closely!

Right from the start, she said she was tired of men only wanting her for sex. I feel sex is an important part of the relationship, but she doesn’t think so. We were sexual before but now she says it’s not important and she wants to wait until marriage before she has sex again. I have no intention on marrying her and this “no sex” deal is really putting a strain on this relationship and me. I can’t deal with it, Doc. It’s important to me.

But if she even THINKS I’m talking to other women, she gets angry, hostile, and extremely jealous. I could be talking to my mother and she’ll think it’s another woman and she explodes like a ticking time bomb. It could be a female friend or a family friend and she gets furious. The insecurity and jealousy also has become a problem as well as her lack of trust and she admitted openly these have always been issues with her.

Another thing is that even before we were together, she didn’t like me talking to other women, when we were just dating! She didn’t like them near me, over my house, nothing! Also, as this relationship has progressed, she has become increasingly more demanding and trying to be controlling too. She gets mad when I miss her phone calls, she gets upset when I ignore her for any length of time (even if I’m busy running errands or with work) and this whole situation is pushing me closer and closer to the door. I confront her on her bad behavior every time and she’ll simmer down for a while, then she gets started again. Her immaturity has shown it’s ugly head! Things aren’t fun anymore and it’s a constant power struggle and verbal fighting because she can’t grow up. It was a lot more fun in the beginning but that’s history. She is a good person and very pretty but I have to get out unless you see a way this can be saved.

I haven’t dated other women in awhile since I’ve been with her but that may be my only choice. I can’t deal with being in a sexless relationship, and her behavior has got out of control. What should I do? Find the door as quickly as I can or try to salvage this?

A. I fully agree with your point about NOT marrying her! Just consider this – you’re in a sexless relationship now. How would you like to be stuck the rest of your life slaving away to satisfy her every whim; financial and otherwise, while being in a sexless marriage? Well, that’s exactly where you’re headed with your current path!

Here’s the bottom line: sex IS important to any HEALTHY relationship. I don’t care what anyone says. If they (including your girlfriend) think not, they are unhealthy themselves!

OF COURSE she doesn’t want you talking to any other woman and is insanely jealous! If you ever found out the fact I just gave you, or found some other woman that WOULD enjoy sex like you do, she’d be alone. Talk about a controlling bitch! What the HELL are you doing with her anyway????

Here’s what I would do in your situation:

I would tell her, “I respected your wish to not have sex. However, that isn’t my wish, my choice or what I will devote my life to. Thus, I’m going to start dating and looking for a sexual partner IMMEDIATELY.” I’d still date her too (occasionally), but she’d have to understand that I was moving on and that my time for her would be reduced commensurate with your hunting time away from this “relationship”. Further, you absolutely MUST NOT feel compelled to discuss your actions with her beyond this. She is entitled to only the part of your life that she earns – just as you are with hers.

I’d also absolutely demand that she DOES NOT date anyone else if she wants to continue to see me! That may seem unfair at first, but consider this: you’re already making huge sacrifices in your life for her to choose her lifestyle! She owes you AT LEAST that loyalty back. If she can’t do that, and won’t have sex with you – bye-bye!!

My brother, don’t just sit by and take this abuse, (and it IS abuse!) Just because the rules change doesn’t mean that you have to continue playing the new game. You are allowed to have your own rules – and game – too!

[Source: Random Thoughts on Dating and Relationship]

Re-entering the dating scene as a single parent can often be a difficult process. After the heartbreak of a death or divorce, it is hard to starting dating all over again. Dating with children can add to that difficulty, but shouldn’t be considered a burden.

If you don’t want to jump back into the bar and club scene, look online! Online dating services are used by thousands of people, seeking casual or long-term partners.

Never let your online date pick you up or drop you home on a first date. Don’t let them into your home until you have been on several dates, and you feel like you can trust them. Date rape can happen, even in a long-term relationship.

Your children do not need to know about your sexual experiences. Get the kids to stay overnight at the other parents, with your parents, or with a friend. This is especially true of casual sex relationships.

Don’t talk about your dates with your children. They may be hurt or upset still. However, depending on the age of the child, you may need to divulge some information.

Use your lunch hour wisely. Baby-sitters can be expensive, so why not organize a lunch hour date when the kids are at school?

If you start dating seriously with one person, you should introduce them to your kids. However, do take your time. Don’t have your partner come to every social activity, or stay every night. Your children will feel confused, and possibly annoyed with the sudden “intrusion”.

Treat every date as a learning experience. If you feel as if every date is a failure, don’t be concerned. Experience and age have just refined your tastes.

At all times, remember that you should be looking for a companion for yourself. Don’t look for a “replacement parent” – but look for a good match that has parent potential. Most importantly, have fun and enjoy re-entering the dating scene!

[Source: Random Thoughts on Dating and Relationship]

Q. A few months ago left I left my country and girlfriend of two years as a transfer student. My girlfriend became tired of a long-distance relationship and we stopped keeping in contact. However, I met a girl whom I fell for at first sight, but owing to my “loyalty”, would not approach her. A few days ago, I put everything about my former love life behind and finally asked this girl out. That was when something happened – I found out that this girl has a the identical personality as my girlfriend! The way she speaks, looks at me, laughs-even her jokes have the same ring to them. I’m not imagining this!

I was thrilled at first, but to my horror I found I had lost the ability to get turned on by her! My former relationship hovered around sexuality but we never got down to it since we felt it would destroy the “magic” of the whole thing. Well, after meeting this girl, I cannot be turned on by anything, I have no sexual attraction towards her, but I’ve fallen in love with her.

In addition to that, I’ve developed a fear that I’m not good enough for her. I’m just a poor transfer student in strange place falling in love with a girl who has everything I don’t. Believe me, I never had these fears before – Dating-Insider completely dispelled them and radically changed my social life. But what should I do? Is my inability to get turned on psychological? It seems to be getting worse! Maybe the solution is damn easy and doesn’t require much, but I need to be set in the right position to start rectifying things.

Please help me!!

“On the brink”

A. Hello “Brink”,

Very interesting situation!

You’d be surprised how common it is to find someone that is very much like, or, even exactly like someone that we’ve been with before. People talk about this all the time, but it is usually in having made a mistake with choosing someone bad for them. You, on the other hand, have found someone you already know and love!

As you’ve also discovered, sex is as much a mental game as (if not more than) a physical one. It really isn’t that hard a stretch to see that you’ve tied your entire emotionality into a sexless relationship, and that is exactly why your current problem exists. You’ve learned to equate love for a “personality type” with sexual frustration.

Interestingly, this is usually a problem that women have! They spend their dating lives trying to deny their sexuality because of religion, parents, misinformation, fear, etc.; suppressing and ignoring it, and then have tons of problems being sexual people in their married lives. Why do we keep doing this to people? Why do entire societies keep inflicting this hideous damage as though it somehow makes us better people?? Well, actually, the main reason is that parents, community and religious leaders, and many, many others learned a long time ago, that if you can just control a person’s sexuality, you could control that person. This is because we are first and foremost sexual people! I equate this “purposefully inflicted” damage on people with other types of sexual barbarism like female clitoral circumcision, pedophilia, censorship, lying to kids about where babies come from, telling people that masturbating will make you go blind, and the like.

You say you’ve fallen in love with her. Are you sure it’s love? Is it possible that you have tremendous familiarity and friendship with her instead? This isn’t really a critical point, as frankly, it doesn’t matter. However, I raise the question for you to consider.

Ok, so what do you do about all of this? First, you’ve got to get your self-image back in check. Nobody, not you, the Pope or me is any better or any worse than any other person, living or dead, (well, I’m not sure about Rosy O’Donnell – what’s up with her?). Anyway, I digress…

This woman may have things you want or things that you equate with a “higher level”, but it’s a false image. All of these are just things. What’s really important is the character, experience and soul of a person. Practice seeing all people this way. You’ll be much the better man for it, and you’ll also gain an important understanding of life. After all, she’s just a person like you or me or anyone else.

Consider this, you’ve spent your entire relationship with your ex-girlfriend learning how NOT to be sexual. Is it any wonder you’re having trouble now? You’ve got to re-learn to be sexual with your new girlfriend. You do this by practicing. I’m assuming that you masturbate (all of us do, by the way!) What do you fantasize about when you’re spankin’ the monkey? Something must turn you on. Use this time to re-learn sexual feelings for this woman.

Imagine making love to her. Take some time – don’t jump right to the “horizontal bop” portion of the program. Imagine kissing her, undressing her slowly, exploring her body – every inch of it. Recreate the sexual feelings you had with her as the object. These are powerful emotions and will be re-learned very quickly because of them.

Once you begin to see her sexually, putting it into practice won’t be difficult. Try to focus on her however; don’t worry about yourself – that will come (if you’ll pardon the expression!) Learn about her sexuality, and in it you’ll find your own.

[Source: Random Thoughts on Dating and Relationship]